On zombies

This Saturday, Shaun of the Dead will make its network premiere on Comedy Central. Even if you’ve seen the film in its original, unedited form, you should still be there to catch it in all of its f-bomb redacted glory. If you have yet to watch this cinematic masterpiece: what the fuck is wrong with you?

I’ve made no secret my abhorrence of the undead. I don’t like ‘em, and I don’t trust ‘em. For other such zombiphobics in our ranks, this film stands as an excellent training tool. It teaches valuable lessons such as:

• During an impending zombie holocaust, ensure that your cell phone is set to vibrate.
• The local pub? Not such a good place to hideout.
• Don’t say the zed word.
• And, perhaps most importantly, David is a cunt who deserves to be eaten alive.

For the keen observer, there are a lot of little jewels to be gleaned from zombies in the media.

Max Brooks’s Zombie Survival Guide is an invaluable resource; not only is it a good read, but it also espouses the mantra “Organize before they rise!” Truer words were never spoken.

Likewise, Robert Kirkman and Tony Moore’s ongoing comic series The Walking Dead also gives some important tips concerning the undead. Foremost among them? Atlanta is a deathtrap. You aint’ gotta tell me twice.

Text-based MMORPG Urban Dead gives a fair overview of life in a zombie-infested wasteland. Special attention is to be paid to looting. Romero and Dead Rising were right; the mall is a treasure trove of zombie repelling goodies.

Speaking of gaming, you might also consider playing a little Resident Evil to sharpen your combat, critical thinking, and asinine puzzle solving skills. It may be important to note that, in addition to the valuable zombie avoidance exercises touted by earlier entries, Resident Evil 4 also surreptitiously teaches you how to deal with testy Spaniards.

So there you go. Armed with the knowledge provided via these pop culture outlets, I now loose you all into a world on the brink of disaster. Sure we’ve got all this hype about flu pandemics and WMDs on the news, but where’s the talk about the darkness at the edge of town? Where are the warnings to avoid cemeteries and to bar your windows? Where are the PSAs about being sure to “cut off the head or destroy the brain?”

Nowhere.

If figures.

The zombie's two favorite meals? The slow and the uneducated.