Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Your Miles May Vary: Zombies!

It’s been a while since we at Hipster, please! – meaning, y’know, me – explored the glory of non-absolutism. And what better time to dredge up uncomfortable and ethically vague concepts such as the malleable nature of truth than Halloween?

And with that mealy-mouthed pontification, I present to you the triumphant return of Your Miles May Vary, a community-centered feature that explores a single question from a number of different angles.

I’m sure by now HP regulars have noticed the relatively high concentration of zombie-related content around the blog this month. Hell, I even made with the pseudo-intellectual posturing concerning nerds and zombies in my last podcast. But ham-handed symbolism aside, nerds love and zombies and zombies most certainly love nerds.

So this brings us to the uncomfortable and ever-looming question concerning the immanent threat of a zombie holocaust. What would you do if you were trapped by a horde of the angry dead? How would you survive? How would you cope? Is there, indeed, any hope for survival in the pallid, worm-gnawed face of such overwhelming odds?

Today we will be examining none of those questions.

Instead my expert panel will be discussing the worst place to find yourself during a zombie uprising.

Read on to see how this most dire of worst case scenarios plays out.

The zed word.

DJ Chubby CheeksGeoff (aka DJ Chubby Cheeks); DJ/beatsmith/Webmaster of Revenant Magazine

Howdy Hipsters!

What zombie fan hasn't thought of the worst place to be during the zombie apocalypse? For me, I have always run through these very interesting scenarios based in Colma, California. A small town at the Northern end of the San Francisco Peninsula in San Mateo County.

I lived in the Bay Area for a few years in the late 90's and drove by Colma quite often. Colma has been dubbed "The city of the silent" as it is home to 17 cemeteries and the dead outnumber the living by thousands to one.

As a fan of the slow, shambling zombies... my fear has always been being massively outnumbered by a sea of traipsing undead bearing down on me. Colma cemeteries are also home to some of the countries famous dead like Wyatt Earp and Joe Dimaggio.

Speaking of undead, we have some cool stuff coming up at Revenant Magazine. We will have an exclusive online gallery showing by amazing comic artist Shane Oakley (of Albion fame). Shane will be bringing us some of his gorgeous zombie artwork. We also have many updates to new sections on the way including new book reviews, film reviews, original articles and interviews from writers all over the globe. Stay Dead!

The zed word.

ZeaLouS1ZeaLous1; MC/producer/zombie aficionado

I believe the worst place for me to be during a zombie invasion is separated from my friends and family. I am confident I can take care of myself in most situations, but I could not stop worrying about everything until I knew the people I love and care for were safe.

Otherwise, in a more general perspective, the worst place to be would be anywhere ground-level. Worst case scenario: we have the zombies that can sprint/jump, and are powerful and somewhat agile. If you are boxed in a room on ground level and they know you are in there it’s only a matter of time before they get in.

The zed word.

Zombie DenikaDenika; Nerdy artist/Japanophile/living dead girl

On the side of the living! ;)

The zed word.

Zombie DennisDennis; Necrocrafter/IKEA design ninja/shambling corpse


The zed word.

Wow. That took an unfortunate turn.

Yet, as previously stated, YMMV isn't necessarily about arriving at a consensus; it’s about letting individuals espouse their personal (and often disparate) opinions.

While Geoff answered very geographically, Z1 proceeded more emotionally, and… well, Dennis and Denika sold us all out for a cold handshake and a plate full of brains, I do believe that each of these answers played into a grander underlying theme. That being, of course, that in the event of a zombie apocalypse we’re probably fucked.

That being said, I can’t help but think that, for me, at least, the worst place to be during such an attack would a public restroom: there’s limited space for evasive maneuvering, generally poor lighting, and only one exit. Plus it’s hard to run away from the undead with your trousers around your ankles.

Just something to think about the next time you answer nature’s call.


Church said...

I'm going to have to go with "visiting your mother's grave." Fucks with the ol' noggin, and THEN you have to run the gantlet.

Z. said...

Ah, emotional distress and psychological terror! Well played, Church.

Matt S said...

Three words for you,

Arlington National Cemetery

fucking fields of dead people. And the Potomac on one side, which could trap you.

Z. said...

And those are some highly-trained, patriotic dead! Very nice, Matt!

Matt S said...

Dude, if we're talking a scenario like Brian Keene's The Rising novel? Oh, you're just fucked. Hell, we're all just fucked. You know someone in that yard will remember how to launch something over at the Pentagon.

Church said...

OK, i'm changing my answer to "Visiting your mom's grave, at Arlington Cemetary."

Anonymous said...

Are you saying my mother wore combat boots? Well, she did.

I would say the worst place to be would be taking a gross anatomy practical in med school. Having the dead rise to attack you while you're distracted with trying to name their various bits.

Z. said...

The rational dead are the ultimate horror, Matt!

And no fair changing your answer now, Church. ;)

I like the med school angle as well. That's almost got a horror/comedy feel.